Writing

What Does ICYMI Mean? And Other Common Text Acronyms to Make You Crazy

I’m not a lover of text acronyms. Here’s a true story. When I first began to use e-mail, people kept typing “LOL” in their responses. One day, I asked one of them what LOL actually meant, and they got back with “Laughs out loud!” I must have been feeling a bit grouchy that day because I responded: “No need to be sarcastic, pal, just TELL me!”

I kid you not. Since then, I have developed my own range of obscure text acronyms as a secret form of revenge. Try these if you like. Unless people have been writing to me, they will surely be baffled:

CHKL = chuckle
GGL = giggle
GFW = guffaw
TTR = titter
SNRT = snort

But we’re not here to discuss my off-the-wall, obscure text acronyms. Instead, we’ll talk about the other kind – the ones people use a whole lot.

AAAAA = American Association against Acronym Abuse. I’m joining! Where do I sign up?
B2B = business to business. There are various permutations: B2C (consumer), B2A (anyone), B2G (government)… you get the picture.
BF = best friend or boyfriend. Guys, be careful with this one unless you actually do have a boyfriend. If you do, that’s just fine. If you don’t… well, just saying.
BFF = best friends forever. Someone, please bring me a barf bag.
BRB = be right back. I’m always tempted to tell people who use this not to break wind in my presence without at least excusing themselves.
BTW = by the way. Sigh. Guilty. I use it. I hate myself, but I still use it.
FOMO = fear of missing out. And sadly, that’s why I try to keep up with these things. I seriously don’t want another “lol” incident!
FWIW = for what it’s worth. A lot like IMHO, see below.
FYI = for your information. Alternative interpretation: “waste of time, ignore it.”
GIGO = garbage in, garbage out. I think it may predate text speak, but I prefer the long form. Call me old-fashioned and see if I care.
ICYMI = in case you missed it. Yes. I missed it. If you had written that out in full, I wouldn’t have.
ILY = I love you. Please slap anyone who can’t be bothered to use the full form. Really!
IMO = in my opinion. At least it doesn’t even pretend to be humble.
IMHO = in my humble opinion, and believe me, it’s never humble. People who say “IMHO” are just plain opinionated.
IRL = in real life. You can just tell someone is going to say something annoyingly patronizing when they use that one.
MSG = message. I always thought it stood for “monosodium glutamate.” See how ignorant I am?
NP = no problem. Again, it’s infectious. The proper response would be LTT (Learn to type – another of my creations), but I’m afraid I’m one of the culprits.
OMG = oh my god. Guilty! I even say “OMG” sometimes. It’s invariably followed by a sense of self-loathing.
TMI = too much information. Well, if the phrase “too much information” is something you can’t get your head around, no bloody wonder.
TTYL = talk to you later. OMG if you are going to TTML in that tone of acronym, I’m not sure if I will handle it.
TX, THX or THKS = thanks. Now IMHO, if you’re going to use four of the six letters the word “thanks” consists of, you may as well LTT and include the two vowels. As for the ‘X’ let’s not even go there! #LTS = learn to spell!
TXT = text. I don’t think that saving one letter is worth it, but there it is.

Of course, this is just a broad sampling. Digits are (unfortunately) popular, particularly 4 (for) and 2 (to), so we have 2nite, 2day, 2morrow, 4U, B4, 4eva… the hair on the back of my neck is rising, my nails are growing longer, a deep-throated growl is rising up from my belly. Aha! H2O! A sure-fire way to cool down.

But just try telling me “ILY 4eva”, and I swear, I’ll have a hissy fit that’s second to none and go looking for someone with more poetry in their soul and the ability to spell. FWIW it’s entirely possible I’m the only one who doesn’t think these things are cute which is why I am patronizing you with this particular blog post. Then again, you’re actually reading it, so perhaps you are also mystified by text abbreviations.

You may notice that I didn’t include favorites such as “WTF,” but I dislike excessive use of asterisks almost as much as I dislike text acronyms, so most of the acronyms containing the letter F have been excluded. I will leave them up to your imagination.

(Photo courtesy of Jonas Bengtsson)

How Long Does It Take to Write a 1000 Word Essay?

How long does it take to write an essay?

Oh wow! That’s a tough question. It depends on a whole lot of things. At the same time, you shouldn’t be intimidated. 1,000 words is actually a relatively short piece. A dissertation would usually be in the region of 12,000 words, and university assignments can stretch to essays of 5,000 words. No matter what your assigned word count may be, some of the things that will influence the time it takes to write the essay include:

How long does it take to research an essay?

If you’re writing an opinion piece on something you already have some knowledge about, you may not have to do any research at all. It may just be a matter of organizing your existing thoughts into a coherent essay. If you need to find out about a topic before you begin to write, you can easily get information on certain topics, whilst others will be more obscure and therefore more difficult to research. Clearly, the easier it is to find information, the faster you can write.

How good are your reading comprehension skills?

Some of us can just skim a piece and pick up all the salient points. Others will have to read with more attention, and even re-read a piece several times to extract the information we need. Having good reading and comprehension skills makes writing much faster since you’re able to “get” the facts faster and organize them better. Now you know why you had to do so many reading comprehension tests at school.

How well did you plan?

Throwing yourself headlong at a 1,000-word essay and writing till you reach the word count may seem like the easy option, but it isn’t. Planning your essay so that it begins with an introduction, highlights the most important points you want to make and then wraps everything up into a conclusion actually saves you time. Sometimes, essay instructions will tell you how to structure the piece, so read them carefully and extract any information you can use to guide your essay’s structure.

How fast do you type?

Have you ever gotten lost halfway through a sentence? You know what you wanted to say, but halfway through, the thought slips away from you. The faster you can type, the more easily you can capture thoughts before your mind moves onto the next thing and you forget what you were trying to say. Typing skills are essential in the modern world. Consider using typing games to improve your speed.

How long does it take me to write a 1,000-word essay?

Faster isn’t always better. The more in-depth your report is meant to be, the longer you should spend on it. I can usually research and write a fairly technical magazine article of 1,000 words in three hours, but do remember that I’m a professional writer. I’m fast because I write all day, every day.

The longest I’ve ever spent on a 1,000-word article was 12 hours. It was absolutely brutal! The information I needed to gather was very technical, hard to find, and even more difficult to understand, and you can’t write something until you really understand the subject matter. I also had to contact experts for their opinions, but I couldn’t even ask about their opinions until I could target them with the right questions. As a result, I actually had to write most of the article before slotting in the expert comment.

The quickest I’ve ever written a 1,000-word article is one hour. In this case, I already knew the subject matter well and didn’t have to back up every fact in the essay with references.

Reviewing your work also matters

If you’re writing for grades and want a good one, you need a really good essay. Don’t start writing it the day before you have to hand it in. Try and get your first draft down at least a day or two before you have to submit your work. Then return to it and do your editing. Read your essay aloud to yourself, since this will help you pick up any careless errors you wouldn’t otherwise spot. Check to see if your information flows logically from one point to the next and make sure that you’ve presented your information clearly.

Remember, teachers get tired. They have to read the same kind of essay over and over again when they grade. If they struggle to understand what you’re saying, you might not get as good a grade as you would if you stuck to using short sentences and relatively simple language.

Your reviewing process shouldn’t take all that long. If you don’t have to make a lot of changes, you should be able to do your final edit in under half an hour.

Take your time. Whatever you do, don’t rush. You might want your essay to be written quickly, but if it’s an important essay, taking your time will give you a better finished product. Budget your time conservatively. It’s better to find that you’ve still got time left over than to run out of time and end up dashing things off with a looming deadline.

Below are some basic guidelines if you need a rough estimate on how long it will take to write an essay. It’s important to remember that there are a plethora of mitigating factors that can increase or decrease the time it takes to write. The below numbers are using an estimate that it takes about 3 hours 20 minutes to write a 1000 word essay:

How long does it take to write a 100 word essay?
It takes about 20 minutes to write a 100 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 200 word essay?
It takes about 40 minutes to write a 200 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 250 word essay?
It takes about 50 minutes to write a 250 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 300 word essay?
It takes about 1 hour to write a 300 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 400 word essay?
It takes about 1 hour and 20 minutes to write a 400 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 500 word essay?
It takes about 1 hour and 40 minutes to write a 500 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 600 word essay?
It takes about 2 hours to write a 600 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 700 word essay?
It takes about 2 hours and 20 minutes to write a 700 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 800 word essay?
It takes about 2 hours and 40 minutes to write a 800 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 900 word essay?
It takes about 3 hours to write a 900 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 1,000 word essay?
It takes about 3 hours and 20 minutes to write a 1,000 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 1,250 word essay?
It takes about 4 hours and 10 minutes to write a 1,250 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 1,500 word essay?
It takes about 5 hours to write a 1,500 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 1,750 word essay?
It takes about 5 hours and 50 minutes to write a 1,750 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 2,000 word essay?
It takes about 6 hours and 40 minutes to write a 2,000 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 2,500 word essay?
It takes about 8 hours and 20 minutes to write a 2,500 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 3,000 word essay?
It takes about 10 hours to write a 3,000 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 3,500 word essay?
It takes about 11 hours and 40 minutes to write a 3,500 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 4,000 word essay?
It takes about 13 hours and 20 minutes to write a 4,000 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 4,500 word essay?
It takes about 15 hours to write a 4,500 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 5,000 word essay?
It takes about 16 hours and 40 minutes to write a 5,000 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 6,000 word essay?
It takes about 20 hours to write a 6,000 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 7,000 word essay?
It takes about 23 hours and 20 minutes to write a 7,000 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 7,500 word essay?
It takes about 25 hours to write a 7,500 word essay.

How long does it take to write an 8,000 word essay?
It takes about 26 hours and 40 minutes to write an 8,000 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 9,000 word essay?
It takes about 30 hours to write a 9,000 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 10,000 word essay?
It takes about 33 hours and 20 minutes to write a 10,000 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 12,500 word essay?
It takes about 41 hours and 40 minutes to write a 12,500 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 15,000 word essay?
It takes about 50 hours to write a 15,000 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 20,000 word essay?
It takes about 66 hours and 40 minutes to write a 20,000 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 25,000 word essay?
It takes about 83 hours and 20 minutes to write a 25,000 word essay.

How long does it take to write a 50,000 word essay?
It takes about 166 hours and 40 minutes to write a 50,000 word essay.

(Image courtesy of Miguel)

“I look forward to hearing from you” vs “I am looking forward to hearing from you”

Talk about opening a can of worms! I initially thought the answer to the question of the difference between “I look forward to hearing from you” and “I am looking forward to hearing from you” would be they’re interchangeable since both are absolutely correct English. A look around the Internet, however, tells me this minor difference in sentence structure causes quite a bit of controversy. Some say one is informal while the other is formal. Then there are others who say that actually, they see it the other way round and that the one that was declared “informal” is actually the one they consider “formal.”

Should This Bother You?

Probably not. Nobody is going to brand you as illiterate because you choose one of these forms over the other as they both say basically the same thing. But if we’re going to enter the formal versus informal debate, I’d side with those who say “I look forward to hearing from you” is the formal version – and that’s not just because they seem to represent a majority and therefore the winning side!

Here’s why: if you say “I am looking forward to hearing from you,” you haven’t quite got the “ball’s in your court” message across strongly enough. Somehow, it seems to me, “I look forward to hearing from you” is a tiny bit clearer about who has to say something next. The former has a slightly greater nuance pointing towards how pleasant it would be to hear from someone, while the other is sharper, and the focus seems to be on the response you’re looking forward to getting.

Of course, that’s just my opinion. Authorities seem to disagree to disagree, and actually get quite heated arguing for one or the other.

Do Apostrophes Make Everything More Friendly?

There are those who say “I am looking forward to hearing from you,” is still formal, whereas using the apostrophe to make “I am” contract into “I’m” is the informal way of expressing the hope that someone is going to get back to them.

I expect most people will be ready to agree that contractions like “I’m” are more informal than the full versions of the words. Again, I can’t argue against the reasoning behind this argument while still believing that the “I am” version places more emphasis on “looking forward.”

Getting It All Mixed-Up

Since these phrases are so similar in their meaning, some people mix up the tenses: “I am looking forward to hear from you,” is a common error. As soon as “look” gets an “ing” suffix, the next verb has to have an “ing” too. Thank goodness it does. English is confusing enough without mixing things up.

Nobody Can Quite Put a Finger on It

After browsing numerous articles, forums and other interesting places on the Internet, I came to this conclusion: most people agree that “I look forward to hearing…” is more formal and urgent than “I am looking forward to hearing…,” but none of them can quite say why.

Since there doesn’t appear to be a definite answer to this question, what’s your opinion on it? More specifically, why do you feel this way? Let us know your reasons you feel one is more formal than the other.

(Photo courtesy of Justin Henry)

Each Other’s vs Each Others’: Which Is Correct?

Due to the fact these two-word combinations sound exactly the same with only the placement of the apostrophe being different, many people aren’t sure which of them is correct. The aim of this article is to de-fog the fogginess surrounding these two (we’ve already done so with was vs were, further away vs farther away, and onto vs on to). One of these forms is correct, and the other is just plain wrong. Would anyone care to lay bets before we continue by explaining which is which?

“Each” Refers to How Many?

To get the answer we’re looking for, we should begin by looking at the word “each.” It automatically implies that we are talking about one of the following: a single object or person, a group of things, or people that can be regarded as a unit.

To put this more clearly, you wouldn’t use a pluralized word after “each.” You may say “each animal has unique markings,” but you would never say “each animals have unique markings.” If you were to modify the sentence to “Each of the animals has unique markings,” we’re once again looking at a single animal at a time.

You could talk about “each people,” but then you would be talking about individual races, which turns the word “people” into a singular that could be pluralized as “peoples.” For example: “Each people has its own culture,” means that the French culture differs from the German culture, and so on. It would be a slightly odd way of expressing the idea, but it wouldn’t be wrong because in the example “people” is singular.

The bottom line with all of this? As soon as you see the word “each,” the word following it needs to be in its singular form.

“Other” Refers to How Many?

Because we have prefixed “other” with “each” it has to remain in the singular form. While there is a plural form for “other” which is “others,” it differs from the example of “people” since it has no alternative meaning and cannot be pluralized yet again.

Returning to that example, we could say that “people” means a whole lot of persons, or we could use it to indicate race: “The Turks are a people who love their coffee. The Turks and the Greeks are two peoples who have often been at war.” There is no such alternative meaning for “others.” It’s the plural form of “other” and that’s all there is to it.

Sticking to the Rule

The rule is that “each” will always be followed by a singular. “John and Mary promised to love each other forever. They agreed to take care of each other’s wellbeing above all else.” The apostrophe is used to indicate possession, and it comes before the s, not after it.

If we don’t prefix “other” with “each”, we can use it in the plural form. “You need to learn to respect others’ views,” but as soon as the magic “each” enters the equation, “You need to learn to respect each other’s views,” is the correct form. Don’t be confused by the word “we,” even though it does indicate more than one person: “We need to learn to respect each other’s views” is correct as long as we use the singular forms of “other” after the word “each.”

Another Example

Here are two more permutations: “We need to respect one another’s views,” and “We need to respect others’ views.”

“One another” is really just another way of saying “Each other.” But if we leave out the word that indicates a singular (“one” or “each”), we can use the apostrophe after the s because we are now talking about multiple others simultaneously.

No Need for Confusion

Just remember the simple rule about the word following “each” and you’ll never get “each other’s” wrong again. Now, to the important business at hand. Who lost the bet I invited you to make at the beginning of this piece? I accept PayPal, wire transfers, and indentured servitude as methods of payment…

What Are Reading Context Clues?

Sometimes, we come across words we don’t understand when we are reading a passage. You could just google the word to see what it means, but if you’re in certain situations, such as an exam room, you aren’t going to be able to do that. Besides, being able to work out what a word means all on your own is much more rewarding.

To do this, you can either look at the word itself, trying to break down the components into bits you think you understand, or you can look at context. Context is the setting in which you find the word and reading context clues are the bits of information you can pick up about an unknown word from the surrounding context. Look at the words before and after the strange word and see if you can find the context clues that will help you to understand it.

Here’s an example of context clues at work:

“As the king entered his throne room, obsequious attendants bowed before him while keeping an eye out for anything he might need. Each wanted to be the first to provide any service, real or imagined, that his highness might want.”

Let’s assume you don’t know what the word “obsequious” means. What are your clues?

An important person is present. In this case, a king.
People showed how important they thought he was. They bowed.
They were also very attentive. They wanted to be the first to provide any service.

Already, the meaning of the word is starting to take shape. These people are almost overly attentive to their masters’ needs. They are using exaggerated types of conduct to demonstrate how important they think their king is. Could this be the meaning of “obsequious?” Let’s go to the dictionary definition.

“Obedient or attentive to an excessive or servile degree.”

Alright, our understanding of the word wasn’t quite as succinct as that, but it’s still correct.

Oh no! Don’t you know what the word “succinct” means? Let’s look at the context. We discussed the meaning of a definition at length. Then we found the dictionary definition, and it was rather brief by comparison. Context clues are at work. What’s the definition of “succinct?” Is it something short?

“Briefly or clearly expressed”

Ta-dah! My erudition knows no limits! I am so clever that I might even call myself a genius.

Noooo! Another seldomly-used word has appeared on the scene. What is the context? You can certainly see I was pleased with my own cleverness. Clues following the word include the words “clever” and “genius.” Could I be patting myself on the back for being too clever by half? Let’s check:

“The quality of having or showing great learning; scholarship.” Yup! I was being insufferably pleased with my own smarts.

This time, I’ve left very few clues. However, I have just bragged like crazy. I’ve also been pleased with myself, and I think I have “smarts.” How do we normally feel about people who are ridiculously self-satisfied? It’s irritating, isn’t it? Let’s check.

“Not to be endured, intolerable, unbearable”

That was pretty close, wasn’t it?

Check Words Both Before and After to Get Context

What ideas led up to the unfamiliar word? What ideas followed it? It’s just like being a crime-scene investigator. Just looking at what’s happening before the word may not give you the full context, and the same thing goes for just looking at the words that follow it. Sometimes, the clues happen before the fact. Sometimes they appear after the fact, and sometimes, they’ll be in both places.

A Little Knowledge Is a Dangerous Thing

There’s just one problem with playing detective using context clues. You could be wrong. It’s also possible to be almost right without quite being wrong, but unfortunately “almost right” isn’t always good enough.

Although context clues can be extremely helpful when confronting an unusual word in a situation where you can’t check a dictionary or search online, you should make a note of the new word and check it later to see if you understood it correctly. If your context clues helped you get it right, you’re going to feel good. If you almost got it right, you’ll be reasonably pleased, and if you got it all wrong (an unlikely scenario, but a possible one nonetheless) you’ll have learned something new.

Extra Context Clue Tips

Look for synonyms (words that mean the same thing)

“I was remorseful and sorry.”

Look for antonyms (opposites)

“I was ecstatic, but everyone else was miserable.”

Look for words that define or explain the idea

“Tangible evidence – the footprints at the window, the fingerprints on the knife – helped police to catch the culprit.”

Look for explanations

“I was very despondent because I failed my exam.”

Look for comparisons

“I am perplexed by crosswords, but I find Sudoku easy.”

(Photo courtesy of camerazn)

Common Phrasal Verbs

A normal verb is just one word: go, see, eat or cry. However, a phrasal verb is formed by a phrase of more than one word. It is almost always made of two words: the verb and its particle, which often looks like a preposition but isn’t.

Particles Don’t Just Occur in Physics

For example, “count on” is phrasal, but “on” is not a preposition in this context. It’s a particle. Why? Because if I say, “I can count on you every day,” I am not saying that I use your body to do my counting – not unless we’re really close friends and like to do silly things together. So when “on” is paired with “count,” a new meaning is created. The phrasal verb is actually an idiom, a special way of expressing an idea that is not literal.

The meaning of this sentence should be clear. I am stating that you are reliable and trustworthy, and every day I know what to expect from you. That’s what “count on” indicates.

Another phrasal verb is “break up.” If you look at the literal meaning of the two parts, you might think it means to break an object into pieces. But when you use the words as a phrasal verb, you create a new meaning:

“I broke up with my girlfriend after 10 years because she wanted to marry a rich guy.”

Poor me – and yes, I really am poor because she preferred a man with lots of money. Can you see what I’m saying here? I ended my relationship; I “broke up” the boyfriend-girlfriend bond. This is a very common usage of “break up” (and it’s in the past tense because it already occurred). But it’s not the only meaning of this verb. See this example:

“The students broke up when their teacher spilled milk all over his shiny new suit.”

What do you think they did? Did they rush to help him clean it off? Did they feel sad? No way: not those cruel students. They laughed! So here’s a second meaning of “break up.” It’s much less common than the first meaning, but you will see it, especially in American English. Since the two meanings are very different, it’s easy to tell which one is being used from the context it’s in. With a little experience, you can get used to phrasal verbs with multiple definitions.

Can You See the Phrasal Verb in This Sentence?

“I got away with looking in my textbook for answers while I took the test.”

Is it “got away”? Not quite. The phrasal verb is actually “got away with,” so it has three parts. Occasionally, you will see a phrasal such as this, but as stated above, they are generally two words. This is a great example of how to use “got away with,” because it means to do something (that’s not very good) without being caught or punished. At the same time, this is not a recommended action. I am clearly a lazy student who doesn’t want to study. I promise to improve. Here are two more sentences:

“I don’t want to run into him by accident at the concert.”
“Let’s shop around to see which computer gives us the best value.”

Did you see the phrasal verb in the first sentence? It is “run into.” It’s simple to identify it. However, the second sentence has three verbs: “shop,” “to see” and “gives.” Where’s the phrasal one? It must be “shop around.” It’s the only one with a particle. “To see” is an infinitive. If you reverse it and write “see to,” you have another phrasal verb. So to identify a phrasal verb, always look for the verb first and the particle second (and third, in some cases).

A List of Common Phrasal Verbs

Bring up
Bring on
Call on
Call off
Cheer on
Cheer up
Come up
Come in
Cut off
Cut (something) out
Cut in
Drop by/in
Drop off
Fall apart
Fill (someone) in
Get away
Get along with
Get up
Get back to
Get back at
Give out
Give in
Give away
Give up
Go out with
Go ahead
Grow up
Grow apart
Hang on
Hang out
Hang up
Hold on
Hold back
Log in (to)
Log out
Look up
Look out
Pay back
Pay for
Put out
Put on
Take off
Take out
Turn on
Turn off
Turn around
Turn up
Work out
Work (something) out

Congradulations vs Congratulations

Have you ever wondered why people say and write “congradulations” to those graduating instead of congratulations? What we have here is a pun or play on words. Whoever first dreamed this one up must have thought it hilariously funny, and it would seem that others did too since it has caught on in a big way. “Grad,” of course, is short for “graduate,” and it sounds vaguely similar to the “grat” part of the word “congratulations.” Saying or writing “congradulations” is, therefore, an attempt at a mild joke.

I’m not sure if anyone finds this particular play on words “punny” (funny) any more. Even though I am told that I have an unhealthy love of puns, it fails to elicit so much as a smirk. I’d class most puns as “groan” humor, and “congradulations” has become so overused it doesn’t even give rise to that.

A little recourse to Google is all it takes for me to see that people are starting to get irritated about the use of “congradulations.” There are even rants that fiercely declare it’s time everyone went back to saying “congratulations” like proper English-speakers. I’d say it’s corny, but not a big deal – as long as you know that “congratulations” isn’t really spelled like that.

The Art of the Pun, Play on Words or Paronomasia

The formal term for a “pun” is “paronomasia.” If you learn nothing else from this article, you’ll at least have found a wonderful new Scrabble word that will have your friends reaching for the dictionary.

In the interest of finding a pun that tickles your funny bone, I’m going to see if I can come up with a few classics that will either make you smile or form the intention of throwing a dictionary at me should we ever chance to meet in person. Pay careful attention, and you may even discover how to develop a few puns of your own. But be warned — some find puns witty and cute, while others will not. It’s always important to get ready to duck at possible flying objects aimed in your direction as you utter your newly coined pun.

A Lot of Jokes Use Puns in Their Punchlines

As you go through this selection of puns, you may find yourself groaning rather than laughing. If that happens, you’ll know what I mean by “groan” humor, but it may also become more difficult to understand just why I like puns so much. Are you ready?

Q: Why are pirates called “pirates”?

A: Because they Arrrr.

Q: What do you call a very energetic person who constantly used puns?

A: An energizer punny.

Q: What did the calm leaf say to the trembling one?

A: What’s stomata?

As with our “congradulations” example, these puns use similar sounding words that are nonetheless very different from the ones they masquerade as, but that’s not always the case. Read on for even more painful wordplay.

“He isn’t all that fond of cooking Indian food, but he does like currying favor.”

“I see you have a photographic memory. Too bad you never developed it.”

“If we can say one thing about boiled eggs, it’s that they’re hard to beat.”

“Two antennas got married. The wedding wasn’t exciting, but the reception was fantastic!”

“If you fail to pay an exorcist, you may be repossessed.”

This variety of pun is my favorite. I feel particularly pleased with myself when I coin a new one, and when I hear puns like this, I may even smile, snort, giggle, titter, laugh or even guffaw. Then again, I’m slightly strange that way. Do you have a favorite pun or play on words? If so, please share it by adding your comment. Do you hate puns? Death threats can be sent to my private email account. You will receive a pun-ctual response (hides under table).

(Photo courtesy of klbradt)

What Are Compound Words?

Compound words consist of two words which can be used independently, but when joined together as one word or with a hyphen, form a new word. The funny thing with this is it can be quite hard to spot compound words. Think about the word “airport.” It consists of two base words: “air” and “port,” but we are so used to using the word as one word, most of us don’t really notice it’s a compound word.

Closed Form Compound Words

“Airport” is an example of a closed form compound word. The two words are joined together without a hyphen or a space. Some other examples of closed form compound words include:

Baseball
Windfall
Extraordinary
Metaphysical
Worldwide
Northwest
Stockbroker
Sailboat
Railway
Wildcat
Birthday

Open From Compound Words

These words look a lot like two independent words, but they aren’t because they describe a single thing. Here are a few examples of open form compound words you are likely familiar with:

Flight attendant
Super tanker
African American
Light year
Post office
Real estate
Truck driver
Middle class
Attorney general
High school
Vice president

Think about it. If you took either the first or the second word out of the two-word combo, it would no longer mean the same thing. Is “little sister” a compound word? No, it isn’t. Take the word “little” away, and you still have a sister. You both have the same parents.

Now take “flight” away from “flight attendant”. Does it still mean the same thing? No, it doesn’t. A flight attendant has a very specific job. An attendant can be any person who attends to your needs. It isn’t even necessarily a job. As for the vice president, he or she may be happy to be promoted to president, but that hasn’t happened.

Hyphenated Compound Words

Here’s where it all gets rather tricky. Some hyphenated compounds are always hyphenated (jack-in-the-box) but others may be hyphenated on certain occasions and are not hyphenated at other times. Sometimes, you may hyphenate for clarity. For example:

“Old furniture salesman”

“Old-furniture salesman”

In the first example, it isn’t clear whether the salesman or the furniture are old. For all we know, the phrase may be describing an elderly salesman. Example two is clearer. We can see that the furniture is old, and we don’t have to worry about offending the salesman by accidentally creating the wrong impression.

To a certain extent, it’s a matter of frequency of usage. For example, we are so accustomed to used car salesmen, that we wouldn’t even wonder whether the word “used” refers to the car or the guy. Now check this out:

Example 1

“She was a part-time teacher.”

“The teacher worked part time.”

Example 2

“It was a very high-speed chase.”

“The chase was very high speed.”

“High-speed” and “Part-time” are known as modifiers. They modify nouns. When a modifier appears before a noun, you would hyphenate it. When it appears after the noun, you don’t bother with hyphenating.

Other modifiers that are sometimes hyphenated, and sometimes not:

Five-yard-long
Fire-resistant
Short-term
Good-looking
Blue-grey
Second-rate

The decision of whether to hyphenate or not is based on the location of the noun these compound words modify.

When Never to Use a Hyphen (plus exceptions)

A word ending in “ly” will rarely form part of a hyphenated compound. Think about word combinations like:

Newly minted
Hotly contested

But when you are using a whole phrase as an adjective, you might use hyphens all the same: “The ever-so-slightly embarrassed salesman continued with his pitch.”

Compounds with prefixes such as “pre”, “post” or “mid” are usually used in the closed form:

Postpartum
Preeminent
Midseason

But there are masses of exceptions to this rule, so it’s best to check using a dictionary. If you aren’t able to check a dictionary, you can work around the issue. For instance, if you’re not sure whether “mid-June” should be hyphenated, you could also say “the middle of June”. As a bonus, this helps with word count.

Compounds That Always Have Hyphens

You can be sure of these ones. They aren’t nearly as hard to pin down:

Numbers from twenty-one to ninety-nine
Fractions expressed completely in numbers: “Two-thirds” or “one-third,” but “a third” is a third and doesn’t need a hyphen.
Self, Ex and All when used as prefixes will require a hyphen: “ex-president,” “self-expression,” “all-knowing.”
Style, elect, free and based will usually be preceded by a hyphen when used as suffixes: “French-style,” “president-elect,” “Chicago-based.”

Compounds can be complicated. Almost all the work you read on compounds will tell you that open versus hyphenated forms are complicated. Most of them suggest a dictionary check when you’re unsure, and I don’t think there’s any shame in that. I find it pretty confusing too. Nevertheless, I hope this blog post will put you on the road to knowing when to use the hyphen and when you not to do so.

The Difference Between “Danish” and “Dutch”

If you know your geography and have a basic understanding of the names of the languages spoken in European countries, this might sound like a dumb question. If you live in the US and you don’t know much about European countries, you’re much more likely to be confused about these two words. Danish people come from Denmark, and they speak a language called Danish. Dutch people come from The Netherlands, and they speak Dutch. How much easier can things get?

I recently read a blog post by a Dane that showed a surprising tolerance for the way these two countries are confused by Americans. The author even called it “understandable confusion.” Naturally, you wouldn’t want that confusion to happen when booking a flight, since you’d end up in the wrong country and have to book an (admittedly short) second flight.

Similarities Between the Danes and the Dutch

Apart from both words beginning with a D, there are national similarities between the Danish and the Dutch. Both countries are small and peaceful, which means they’re seldom on CNN Breaking News.

They also speak Germanic languages, although you’d see many more differences between them than you’d find if you compared UK, Australian, and American English. It’s possible for Danes and the Dutch to find each others’ languages completely incomprehensible unless they’re written down, and even then they might struggle with some words.

Both countries are reputed to be full of healthy, blond, blue-eyed people, although having been there, I can tell you that this is a stereotype these days. But the riding of bicycles to get around is definitely no stereotype. I actually found the bicycle traffic more dangerous than the motor traffic when crossing the road since there are so many bicycles. That’s because both countries are remarkably lacking in anything resembling mountainous topography.

Last, but not least, there’s the preference for wind power, although windmills are more common in Holland. The Danes have acres of wind turbines, some of them standing in the middle of the sea, to generate electricity.

Differences Between the Dutch and the Danes

Apart from slight differences in geographical location and rather marked language differences, The Netherlands doesn’t have LEGOLAND, which is of great importance to those who love LEGOs. Other differences include the amount of taxes paid and the average number of hours worked every week. The Dutch pay way less tax than the Danes, but the Danes spend fewer hours at work on average.

The Danes also have a very casual approach to authority. Children will call adults, including teachers, by their first names. The formal version of the word “you” is seldom used, even in business letters. Danes don’t find this rude or offensive, but the Dutch are a little more inclined to use formal titles and the formal version of the word “you.”

Beer plays a big role in Danish culture, with special beers being brewed for both Christmas and Easter. Although the Dutch invented Heineken, they don’t brew special, seasonal beers.

Historically speaking, these nations have very different backgrounds. The Dutch are known for their farmlands and always have been, but the Danes are famous for “going a-Viking” which involved getting into long ships and trading and raiding their way around the coastlines of Europe.

If you had grown up on the Irish coast in those times, there would have been absolutely no confusion between the Danish and the Dutch. As you saw the long ships approaching, there is just no way that you would have yelled out “The Dutch are coming!” and if you had, you wouldn’t have struck terror into the hearts of your listeners. The Danish nation, on the other hand, is proud of its Viking history, as it should be – after all, the Danes discovered Greenland and are believed to have sailed to the Americas long before Columbus did.

Know your English Heritage

If you have English or Irish ancestors, there’s a very good chance that you also have some Danish blood in your veins. The Danes weren’t always hit-and-run raiders. They often established settlements in the countries they came across in their voyages, and England was even ruled by a Danish king Canute (or Cnut) between 1016 and 1035 AD. Your chances of having Dutch ancestors is much less likely.

The Best Words to Use Playing Hangman

If you’re looking to kill a little time using nothing but a pen and paper to entertain yourself and a friend, you have several options. One is the tried and true word game “Hangman.” In the unlikely event that you didn’t learn this game years ago, here’s how it’s played.

One player chooses a word and draws a series of dashes for each letter in the word. The other player tries to guess which letters are used in the word, and the first player fills them in with each correct guess. If a guess is wrong, the iconic image of the stick man hanging from a gallows begins to appear stroke by stroke. Rules on how the hanged man is drawn vary, but this generally allows for a maximum of 10 wrong guesses.

Do you want to defeat your friends at Hangman? Choosing words that are difficult to guess gives you the edge. According to veteran players, the ones listed below are some of the most difficult.

Jazz

It only has four letters, but it’s as tough as nails to guess. The reason why this one is so hard is that it includes two of the letters least used in the English language, namely J and Z. Be hated and feared by choosing this tough nut.

Buzz

This word makes use of the same strategy, and if your friends start to see a pattern, they’ll begin by choosing a Z ending just to see if you’re still up to your tricks. Choose a few easy words before you use this one!

Jazzed

By now, your friend is ready to throw their pencil at you and march off in a huff. Remind them that it’s just a game, while you secretly smirk at your own sneakiness in finding out which words are trickiest because you love to win at absolutely everything. By the way, “jazzing” is also a good choice as is “buzzing” and “buzzes.”

Words with Double Zees

Use your double zee words sparingly, and you can add “fizz”, “fuzz” and “dizzy” to your list, choosing as many permutations as your evil little mind can dream up. But you need more than just zees to make you a winner.

Hajj

As hangman word choices go, this one is absolutely brutal. Its success lies in the double J ending and the fact that unless your hangman partner is savvy about Muslim culture, he or she probably wouldn’t know how to spell it. Unfortunately, there aren’t any other words with a double J ending, so that’s as far as you can go with this one.

Words with a Double F

“Faff,” “duff,” “buff,” and “puff” are words that will expand your strategy of choosing rarely-used and seldom-guessed letters. Once again, feel free to add plurals, put verbs in the past tense, and so on.

Words Containing the Letter X

Do you sigh every time you pick the letter X when playing Scrabble? Turn it into your hangman friend with words like “jinx,” “vex,” and “fox.” Other words with X in them such as “six” may be too easy because they’re frequently used words, so stick with the more obscure choices.

Obscure Words with Unusual Letters

Put the double whammy on your opponents with unusual words that also contain less common letters of the alphabet. Below are a few examples you can place into your Hangman arsenal:

Quetzalcoatl
Sequoia
Asexual
Livid
Chthonic
Zwieback
Phylum

Words People Struggle to Spell

If you’d like a whole arsenal of nasty hangman words to make your friends hate you, look no further than words people often misspell. Even if they get several letters right, they may not get the correct answer.

Words with Y as a Semi-Vowel

Most people go into a Hangman game assuming there will be a vowel in the word you’ve chosen. You can use this assumption to your advantage by choosing words that use the letter Y in place of a vowel. “Gypsy” and “rhythm” are both words that will likely frustrate your opponent to no end. You can also try pushing your luck with words like “hmm,” but it really is taking a bit of a chance, and you may just be accused of cheating.

Words Ending in the Letter Q

Choosing words that contain the letter Q will make guessing the word more difficult, but if you really want to take it up a level, pick a word that ends in the letter Q. Warning: if you decide to do this, the person you play with will likely start throwing random objects at you.

Hangman

I’ve left the most annoying choice for last, and if you use this one, you had better have on your running shoes. By now, your friend is already questioning whether he or she wants to remain your friend. This is a good one to use when you’re ready to finish the game since nobody will want to play with you after you use this word.

(Photo courtesy of frankieleon)